I'll get you my weirdo, and your scary dog too

It should be easy to enjoy the beginning of the Christmas season in the city. Montreal is now covered in about 40 cm of fluffy snow. Festive lights and window displays abound. Children prance happily through the streets. What could possibly go wrong, you ask?

For the second year in a row, my festive meandering has been rudely interrupted by neighbourhood weirdos.

Last year while I was just beginning a shopping trip with Jennie, a street "preacher" looked me right in the eyes and condemned me to hell to the tune of a Chrismas carol. Disturbing and uncalled for, his tuneful declaration of my firey fate definitely annoyed me.

This year, however, the local weirdo population has kicked up its offensive. The other day I decided to spend the afternoon Christmas shopping by myself, while Brian worked on a paper. As I approached the very same street corner of the previous incident, I saw a late-twenties man jingling his coffee cup of change, and singing carols to passersby.

"Ah, how nice," I thought to myself, as I approached. Just as I started to reach into my purse to grab some change, I made the mistake of smiling at this man. Apparently a casual smile somehow gave him the idea that I was a dirty whore, because he quickly changed the lyrics of his song to the most vile, disgusting phrase of sexual harassment I have ever heard. I won't even repeat what he said here, because it's that sick.

My smile vanished to be replaced by an enraged roar, and I started speed walking away. Behind me this idiot yelled, "Hey lady, my dog and I could use some change you know. Come on! Hey, you know I made you smile."

More like made me want to puke on his pit bull.

Apparently this guy is notorious for saying unrepeatably gross things to women, and getting downright agressive at times. Several of my friends have complained about him to me before. I guess begging on a street corner while flanked by an equally notorious breed of dog makes this guy feel like he's above having to treat women with respect. Just because he appears to be homeless does not entitle him to be a disgusting human being to people who are living productive lives. Is it too much to ask to be able to walk through one's own neighbourhood without being crudely sexually harassed?

The weirdo factor has been rising lately, and I've dealt with one too many an aggressive crackhead over the past few months. This guy's actions were the last straw.

Not only did he miss out on my toonie, he's driven me to seek revenge. Not being a normally vengeful person, I'm not very good at concocting devious plots, but I think my plan may involve a squirt gun. Any other suggestions?

when cougars attack

Saturday night called for yet another theme party. With "Pirates!" out of the way, naturally "Cougars and Weekend Dads" was the next logical step in terms of themes. Inspired by the ladies and gentlemen of Montreal's Crescent St (and especially those patrons of Thursday's and the Hotel de la Montagne rooftop pool bar) I present to you the men and women of cougar night.

White Eyeshadow and Chain Belt cougar

Leopard Shirt/Peggy Bundy Hair/Red Lips Cougar

Leopard Tights Cougar

Weekend Dad

Fake Tan/Visible Lipliner/70s Cougar (photo by Jessica Antony)

Cougar Bait with Leopard Tights Cougar

The Cougars pose with an unsuspecting, passed-out cougar

What theme will we think of next? Stay tuned.

checks and balances

Welcome to springtime in Canada, folks, where the weather makes people act like fools. Earlier this week we had a blizzard, and last night was warm enough to wear a skirt.

Last night I took a break from my essay writing marathon to attend a Luau party. It was a much needed break. Everything was going well until a mix of lychee martinis and rum-marinated fruit made me really cocky about my gymnastic skills:


As you might be able to tell from the awkward facial expression, things did not end up as gracefully as I thought they would. In fact, I pulled my back out in the middle of a crowded room and had to do various yoga positions for 20 minutes in order to be able to stand up.

Am I an old lady, or has my sedentary lifestyle of typing on computers all day finally had an affect on my party skills? I should point out that this is not the first gymnastics/party related injury I've had. Last Christmas I did a high kick while wearing tights on a linoleum floor, and ended up with a bruised tailbone. In high school I did a one-arm cartwheel on asphalt and lost my balance while upside-down. You think a girl could take a hint, but I guess not.

Anyways, I feel like a dirtbag sitting here, eating chocolate in my pajamas at almost 3 in the afternoon when I have an essay to finish. I'll return when I'm finally finished.