10 December 2006

more tense than awkward?

“We condemn most in others what we most fear in ourselves”

-Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance

Hot chocolates and petit desserts are my best friends/worst enemies right now. They're good for the soul, and the student's morale, but not so good for my ever-expanding grosh 15 (grad student frosh, 15 pounds...well, maybe 5 pounds, but it doesn't feel pretty either way).

My body is lacking exercise, and daylight. I write all night and sleep til noon. I'm going to get rickets any day now. 4 hours of sunlight is not cutting it anymore. Soon I'll have to invest in one of those artificial sun lamps for people with basement rooms or Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD).

I was thinking more about sawk, or general awkwardness. I’ve decided to write off analyzing the gossip hens, and just vow not to become one. But, after talking to a few people, I’ve realized that what I was referring to as social awkwardness, is really just tension caused by changing lives and insecurity. I can’t really pass judgement on what it is like to be a proud mom, a bitter mom, or even menopausal. I can, however, talk about twentysomething tension with a fair degree of accuracy…I think.

I know I’ve talked about this before, but now that the holidays are coming up, I realize more than ever that things are not what they once were. Friendships are evolving, revolving, dissipating, and reappearing. Jobs are starting, ending or put on hold for other pursuits. Not all of us have equal amounts of money jingling in our pockets, equal education under our belts, or equal experiences with family, love, or traveling. I’m writing in general terms here, but:

But does difference of current situation mean we should turn away from each other?

Different pursuits, setbacks or accomplishments shouldn’t erase histories of relationships, but they seem to.

We used to be attracted to the things that were different or quirky about each other. Why should the trajectories of these quirks divide us?

Maybe we trust each other more than we think, and we’re diverging for a while, only to return later, once our issues have been tackled.

Do we see past versions of ourselves in our friends, and turn away from what we have tried to grow out of? Is a rekindled friendship like coming home to yourself?

I apologize for getting so sappy on you all. It's my tension talking.


Erin said...

I swear I must have SAD because winter has made me mopey and bitter for 22 consecutive years now. I told this to my mom and she thought I was crazy. Then my brother's tutor said he probably has SAD and suddenly there's one of those fake sun lamps in the house. Now, who do you think is the favourite child?

I like your sappy posts, and your deep thoughts. Take care!

dallas said...

Ha ha Erin, thanks for indulging me. My roomate Gill had one of those lamps, though only to brighten up her basement room I was totally jealous in my dark cave of a room. If they work for plants, maybe they work for people too?

puppydogwannabe said...

No, you've got a point. I need to take a better look at the people in my life, and why they're there, or why others are absent.

And the desserts look delicious.