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10 July 2008

thieves in the night

I was suddenly startled out of sleep last night by very strange grunting, snorting and scratching sounds outside my window. Although I immediately assumed it was the raccoon family that terrorizes our house during the night, I was still afraid. I will openly admit I have actually called Brian at night before to get him to tell me not to be afraid of the raccoons outside my window.

As an aside, you may or may not know that my anti-raccoonness began long ago, after one repeatedly broke into my room at Western. During its final visit, it knocked over all my plants, tracked its muddy footprints all over my room (including my pillow), ate half an apple, ripped open every garbage in our 6-person house, ate my hair dye, and then shat all over the stairs.

Anyways, even though I assumed the noises last night were coming from raccoons, I lay there in bed like a child afraid of monsters, with my heart pounding in my chest. They were making the most terrifying noises! I thought to myself: "Actually, they are way too grunty for raccoons...they must be wild boars." Which hearkens back to another fear of mine: wild boars.

So I got up the courage to (wrapped in my comforter) look out the window. I could hear the noises, but the raccoons were nowhere in sight, which led me to think they were right UNDER my window, or in the giant bush in front of our house. Either way, terrified, I cowered back in my bed. The noises didn't stop. In fact at this point, they were getting louder. So, like a baby, I put in my earplugs in and buried myself deeper under my blanket. I dreamed of boars all night. Honest to god.

So this morning, I awake to the sound of my uncle Dennis (who is here painting the outside of our house) yelling "@$&*!!!!" at the top of his lungs.

Turns out, the noises were the raccoons in his car (they got in through his inexplicably open window that my dad had repeatedly warned him to close). They ate all the old food he has in his car (as another aside: just yesterday he was bragging about how his iron gut allows him to eat "week-old Colonel Sanders" with no repercussions), drank his chocolate milk, and spilled what they didn't drink all over his car. They then tracked their chocolately prints all over the hood of his car.

Classic raccoons. Classic uncle Dennis.


4 comments:

brian said...

world's best blog post.

Erin said...

This made my day. Also, I want to adopt your uncle.

sarah nicole said...

your uncle dennis should have his own sitcom.

Emmett said...

I have to concur with brian - freakin' awesome post.