the slow burn

Have you ever wanted something so, so badly that not having it yet begins to physically hurt?

Maybe it's that roller coaster feeling in your stomach or that ache in your chest. For me, it's both. At the same time. It doesn't come in bursts; it's constant. It's an ever-present feeling of desire for something that is not yet within my reach.

I call it the slow burn.

I've had this feeling many times before. The most pronounced instance, of course, being when I knew I was head over heels obsessed with Brian but didn't have the courage to tell him. I couldn't eat, sleep, or barely breathe. There was no relief to be had until I confessed what I felt. Once I did, everything in my world changed and, 6 years later, that's brought me (well, us) to where we are now.

The slow burn has been warming up again. It's at the point now where I just have to write about it to try to alleviate some of the constant pressure that's building inside. This time the burn, the longing, is photography.

As you might have guessed, this is by no means a new thing. I've been in love with photography for years. Over the last year, however, my feelings toward it as a craft and as an experience that I share with people, have absolutely exploded. It's a full-fledged addiction. It's all I think about. If I don't have plans for a shoot on a weekend, I feel antsy and upset. Even doing my 365 project and taking a photo every single day is not enough. I'm insatiable!

Brian now mysteriously disappears or mumbles something about working on his dissertation when he sees me approach with either my camera or my notebook of business ideas to run by him. My slow burn is giving him hives.

I've had this feeling for so long and it's getting so pronounced that I can't even imagine not feeling it. But what should I do about it?

I just keep shooting, brainstorming, and using this slow burn to fuel the writing of my business plan, the building of my new website, and the dreams of new photo ideas. I can't think of anything better options that to keep doing what these crazy feelings are driving me to do.